June 1st – 162.4 lbs
June 30th – 162.2 lbs
Weight Loss for June 0.2 lbs
Highest Weight 284 lbs
Weight loss to date – 121.8 lbs
Comments – June was a tough month. It started with me requiring urgent surgery for my finger and ended with my ex-mother-in-law, with whom I am close, unexpectantly passing away.
I also struggled with food all month. I have been at this since November 2013 with very little trouble, but that all changed in June. I found that I was just generally reaching for more food. It was calling out to me and tempting me to eat. Why suddenly now? It would be easy to say it was a bad month because of the two events listed above, but that wasn’t it.
I think there were a number of things going on. I think there was some “diet fatigue”. I didn’t want to count calories anymore and worry about what I was eating. I think part of it was wanting to “fit in” better when out socially. Sanford and I did a ton of visiting and had many meals out, either at people’s homes or at restaurants. I was surrounded by food and wanted to eat without worrying. I wanted to join in on the appetizers and snacks being served.
And that’s exactly what I did. I started to indulge without regard to how much or what I was eating. I have truly given up sweets, and never got into sugary foods such as cakes, ice cream, cookies, etc., but where I faltered was on appetizer things like crackers, cheese, nuts, and I will even eat potato chips (sigh…). As the month wore on and I indulged more and more frequently, I just wanted to eat all the time. In addition, for me, I have discovered I like the feeling of fullness that overeating brings, and hence am drawn to eat till quite full.
Near the end of the month I was astounded at just how quickly my eating lifestyle could and did slide. It’s easy to say it was no big deal because, after all, I didn’t gain any weight. That may be true, but that just means I did enough exercise and on other days ate under my required calories so it kind of evened out. But it was not a way to live. Most disturbing to me was how my thinking was changing. I was getting overwhelmed with thoughts of food; wanting to eat more, wanting to eat foods that were not good for me, and constantly struggling with whether to eat something or not.
I work with a diet coach and I have to say during the month of June, I wrote to him infrequently. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say about my struggles because I didn’t want to hear the cold hard truth that I have to watch what I eat all the time and be mindful and that I am wired to overeat and it takes years to overcome this urge.
By the end of the month, I came to the realization that I was angry. Mad that for me, I really can never “just eat” whatever I want with no thought of the consequences. I have to be careful for the rest of my life or I will be in serious danger of regaining all the weight I have worked so hard to lose. It didn’t seem fair that after 120lbs down that in a relatively short time, I could reverse this success. I had to admit that the draw to overeat was really, really strong and I can totally see how it is so easy to happen. I thought I was immune because of how relatively easy it has been for me, but now I can see just how easily it would be to gain it all back and plus. It’s really scary to contemplate that fact. I never want to regain that weight.
I’m doing better now but I’m still a work in progress. I’m starting to rack up good food days again and staying within my calories and thinking about my nutrition. As I get back on track, I no longer am thinking about food all the time, and am just generally feeling better. I know I can have another month like June again anytime but I am working towards learning how to recover from those episodes and perhaps not even go there next time. A skill I will need in the future.